Dear John,

This is your body. You have betrayed me for the last time. I thought we were in this together, but I have lost all faith in your leadership and I am convinced you do not have my best interests in mind.

When I was young, in our twenties, you decided that a low fat diet was best for me. A decade later, you decided that fat was actually good, and that a low sugar and carb diet was best. Now you’ve decided that sugar is a lot better than the artificial sweeteners you’ve been cramming into me like it’s been your job for the last ten years. Now you’re eating nothing but raw meat and eggs. Do you even know what you’re doing?

And what’s with all these mud runs? Slogging through muddy water for three and a half hours in forty degree weather sounds like fun to you? Really? Let’s take your brain out and have it do that instead. Remember when we lost all sensation in our feet halfway through the race and then our toenails fell out afterward? Were those happy times-skis? You need help, and plenty of it.

Now you want a tattoo. You want to etch some Chinese characters into me that will be there for all time. Do you speak or read Chinese? I know you don’t. Sometimes I wonder if you and I even speak the same language.

Dude, it’s over. You’re old. You’re old, and it’s OK. You’re allowed. You’ve earned it. We’ve earned it. I’m tired, John. I don’t care if I put on some fat. It’s what I’m supposed to do so we don’t starve to death in case of famine. You get it? My knees hurt from all these crazy endurance tests. Let’s stop the madness and enjoy our remaining time together before I need a cane.

I know it’s scary to grow old, but for all you lose because of it, I’ve heard you get something in exchange called wisdom. I’d like to start seeing some of it.

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