Fuck it, I’m Rooting for the Virus

by Mother Nature, a squatter on John DiFelice’s account.

Hello, Mother Nature here. What, did you expect me to be white? Life originated in the ocean. There were no white people there. Your species came out of Africa. There weren’t any white people there either. Mother Nature is green, baby. But enough of the history lesson. It’s time to get down to some much needed business.

For centuries now, I have heard you complain about your problems, and most of them stem from the fact that there are too many of you. I gave you a solution for it thousands of years ago. Do you remember? It was called the “Stop Fucking” solution, but apparently that was too much to ask.

With other animals, there is a fool-proof way of solving over-population. It’s called Famine. Whenever there are too many animals, they run out of food to eat and most of them die of starvation. Simple. Those who survive are the hardiest of the lot and result in a stronger species. It’s a win-win. Hey, don’t thank me all at once. But famine won’t work on humans anymore because you invented agriculture. That’s right, farming and shit. You made more food than you needed and stored it in the event of food shortages. Yet, agriculture is the reason there are too many people. Catch-22? More like a Catch-F.U. Too much food was being produced, which led to even more fucking, which led to…