Fuck it, I’m Rooting for the Virus

by Mother Nature, a squatter on John DiFelice’s account.

Hello, Mother Nature here. What, did you expect me to be white? Life originated in the ocean. There were no white people there. Your species came out of Africa. There weren’t any white people there either. Mother Nature is green, baby. But enough of the history lesson. It’s time to get down to some much needed business.

For centuries now, I have heard you complain about your problems, and most of them stem from the fact that there are too many of you. I gave you a solution for it thousands of years ago. Do you remember? It was called the “Stop Fucking” solution, but apparently that was too much to ask.

With other animals, there is a fool-proof way of solving over-population. It’s called Famine. Whenever there are too many animals, they run out of food to eat and most of them die of starvation. Simple. Those who survive are the hardiest of the lot and result in a stronger species. It’s a win-win. Hey, don’t thank me all at once. But famine won’t work on humans anymore because you invented agriculture. That’s right, farming and shit. You made more food than you needed and stored it in the event of food shortages. Yet, agriculture is the reason there are too many people. Catch-22? More like a Catch-F.U. Too much food was being produced, which led to even more fucking, which led to even more people. Do I have to draw you a picture? Fine.

Who told you to invent agriculture? I didn’t. Agriculture was a terrible idea. You had all you needed to eat right there in the trees and on the ground. But noooooo ,you had to invent farming. You found out quick that farming is a lot of work. Even the people who invented it didn’t want to do it anymore. They started hiring people to do it until they realized it cut into profits. So they invented slavery. Isn’t that nice. Slavery? WTF?

Then dickbag Fritz Haber invented a way to produce fertilizer. Haber Process for Manufacturing Ammonia, anyone? Sure, Fritz tried to make up for it by inventing militarized chlorine gas, but it fell woefully short of compensating for the billions of people he indirectly fathered. What a non-contributing zero.

I still had one last trick up my sleeve: Plague. Pestilence. Worked like a friggin’ charm. Sometimes I could winnow out the population by 50%. That’s good, right? Because another thing I keep hearing you blather about is jobs. Well, what creates more jobs than half killing half the population? I’m looking for a little consistency here. And a little gratitude.

Homo Sapiens’ time on this planet is almost up. Everyone knows it. There are too damn many of you. You’re using up entirely too many resources and polluting my home, and none of you have the balls to make the tough — and obviously right — decision.

Because I’m a nurturer and because I care, I cooked up another great and elegant solution to your problems and gave it to you free of charge. It was a virus that just doesn’t kill people — anyone can make one of those — but one that selectively kills off the old and sickly. You know, the people who are going to die in the next five to ten years anyway. That idea is the tits! Where’s my Nobel Prize? Fritz Haber got one for causing the greatest population explosion in history. Where’s mine? (cue sad violin music.)

Did you accept my gift and let it work its magic? No, you’re fighting it tooth and nail. I’m only trying to kill half of you. It’s like you all want to die or something.

Fine. Have it your way. There’s a name for people who are given an answer to all their problems and reject it even though they don’t have any other solution. They’re called Homo Sapiens. It’s almost as if you just like to complain.

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