The Waiter Just Left With My Date. Boy, Do I Have a Tip For Him!
Hey, garcon! Phew! I finally caught up with you. Let me catch my breath. Boy, am I out of shape. Give me a sec. OK, where was I? Right. Yes, I couldn’t help but notice you left with my date. Strange, I didn’t see her on the menu, and I’m 80% on her not being on the dessert cart. Was she a special? A lot of times waiters like yourself forget some of the specials. Where is she, by the way? Oh, there she is, in that car. Is that yours? That’s going to be a problem. That looks like it was made the year the Berlin Wall came down.
Now that we have some time alone, let me give you your tip since I didn’t leave one at the table.
First, I have to tell you that the shellfish bouquet was fantastic. Thanks for the recommendation. We both loved the chilled lobster, littleneck clams, iced oysters, and sherry Mignonette. I especially like the way someone arranged it to look like a giant penis. Your touch? Classy. I also loved the bone-in filet. And speaking of bone-in’, I hope you’re an actor because The Woman Formerly Known As My Girlfriend will shout directions at you during sex like she’s Stephen Spielberg on the set of Jaws. There won’t be as much swallowing, though.
I assume that you have another source of income? No? Too bad. If she could pay for breathing air, she would. That girl spends some duckets! This dining establishment where our paths crossed was not exactly a Michelin starred restaurant. Your confused look tells me that the only Michelin you’re familiar with is printed on the tires of that dung heap you call a ride. Do you see the BMW 5 series I drive? That’s how your new girlfriend likes to roll.
I wish you two the best, I really do. May you have a wonderful time with each of her five personalities. Oh, you didn’t know? You are in for a treat. It’s like being with a new woman every night. One night it’ll be her mother, the next her grandmother. I think she has her whole family in there. Just make sure to keep her out of a full moon because that’s when the Wolfman comes out. I haven’t seen the Vampire in a while, so that one may be defunct. However, if she ever tells you she wants to suck, that’s not necessary good news.
Look, I’m not bitter. If there’s anything wrong with the check I signed, it’s because I couldn’t see it through my tears. I may have signed the tablecloth. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with fifteen tiny bottles of Smirnoff and a vinyl recording of “Love On the Rocks” by Neil Diamond. I’ll be fine. As is the case with life, you pick your indignity and move on.